Thursday, September 25, 2008

What AM I doing here??

So I am sitting here on my bed just thinking about everything. I can't believe I am really here sometimes, in Peru. So far away from everything that I own, everything that I know, everything that equals comfort to me. I have no car. I have no way to get around alone because I don't know my way around and everyone is too scared to let me go off by myself because it's not that safe. I'm so used to being so independent, going where I want when I want and now I can't even do that. It's like I have been stripped of everything that I always knew. And now I am just vulnerable to everything surrounding me. It's really scary to me in a way, but in many other ways I embrace it. Being here is making me really look at my life and appreciate everything that I have been blessed with. When I left to come here I really felt like I was in complete chaos in my life, emotionally and mentally. I really had no direction. I always have all these crazy dreams, and aspirations that I always plan on working towards but for some reason always get sidetracked. I don't know why the thought of settling down in one place freaks me out so much. It's sounds dumnb to even say that being that I have been stuck in Nashville for 17 years and haven't done anything about it. That's why I refuse to buy a house because then that will mean that I have decided to stay in one place. Maybe one day I will figure out what it is that I truly want in this life. I know that all I really want to do is something to change this world, to make it better, as cheesy as that might sound, but I really see myself helping others for the rest of my life. What good is it to be in this world just to satisfy your own selfishness? To me that is just too shallow to even consider.

As the days go by here, sometimes I feel like I'm not doing anything, like I am just wasting my time. I get to sleep in, I don't have any commitments to take care of. I go from one place to another. But when I see someone smile because of something I have done for them, or by helping someone financially, to me it is all worth it. I know I am putting school on hold once again, just to be here, but I am able to spend time with my amazing family that I never had the luxury to be surrounded by growing up. It saddens me at times when I see my family here not always communicating and visiting each other. They have always had it easy to see eachother and to them it's really not that big of a deal all the time. But to me all I ever want to do is go see everyone! They don't all know what it's like to grow up moving around all the time just having parents and 2 brothers to celebrate birthdays and holidays together. Which it's not like that wasn't good enough but still. I never really knew my family here. Even now that I am here I am learning so much about everyone. I'm so thankful that God gave me this oppurtunity to be with my family. I hope this isn't the last trip I will take here. But I definately feel like I am here for a reason this time.

Iv'e been staying with Tia Nelly this week and we have been having such a good time together. She has been telling me all of these stories about my mom and my other aunts and uncles, she's also told me alot about my grandmother. She died from cancer when my mom was 8, so I never knew her but love to hear stories. So I have been helping her out alot around the house and making breakfast for us every morning. I make papaya smoothies every morning and have been making some oatmeal with maca these last 2 days. She is teaching me how to cook some Peruvian stuff like Torrejitas, which is these pancake type things but you put vegetables in it and fry them, they are sooo good!! She taught me how to make that special concoction she has to drink for her immune system. That was kinda disturbing to make the first time. But now I am used to it! She also taught me how to make this spicy yellow pepper sauce that is absolutely amazing!!! It's one of my favorite things to eat here, I love to put it on everything. I am so glad I know how to make now! Even though you can't find that yellow pepper in the states. Augh! I'm going to have to bring some over when I get back to grow my own.

But Tia Nelly is doing so well! It's so great to see how well she has recovered since her surgery. She will soon start chemotherapy. I am going to come and help her when she starts because it's supposed to be really hard on the person the first time. She has so much faith in God with everything and she is always so happy with life. She is such an inspiration! It makes me want to never complain about anything physical again! Two days ago she woke up and her right arm worked perfectly. She was swinging her arms everywhere and saying how God made her arm all better. She had been praying all night for that she said. We have been taking walks to the supermarket every couple of days and we walked to church on Sunday too. I really can't believe she is doing so well. And now that she is drinking all those special drinks made from Cuy and Pichon(baby pigeon) her energy seems to be up. I know that chemo won't be so hard on her because she has such a positive attitude about this whole illness. More people should be like her...

5 comments:

badash said...

psssssst. i miss you.

-ash

AMS said...

Becky! I cannot believe you ate that Guinea Pig, I nearly vomited just looking at it. :D All of your posts made me cry...I am just sitting here crying. I know you are happy there but don't forget people here miss you and would like for you to be back. :( I hope you keep posting because I really do enjoy reading about your Peruvian adventures. Please please let me know if you need anything...There is no gas in Nashville, so really its good that you don't have to deal with a car, and needing it to go from place to place! Hehe! Well, I look forward to reading more....take care!

Lyndi said...

Wow, sounds like you are having a great time. I've enjoyed reading your posts these last few days. I'm glad you linked to it from your myspace! Stay safe!!

Nova said...

WOW! How long are you planning to be down there? I had a similar experience when I went to Bangladesh for a couple months. It was not very safe, so I could not do whatever I wanted. I felt like I had completely lost my independence. However, it was wonderful spending time with my family that I never get to see. I hope you make the most of your trip!

Becky said...

I am planning on staying until December..I was supposed to leave a month ago but I like it here too much!